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Joke Hole (thread 4)
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Waggers



Joined: 22 Aug 2004
Posts: 7826
Location: Deeping St James

PostPosted: Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:06 pm    Post subject: Joke Hole (thread 4) Reply with quote

a prisoner sat in his cell says to the prison officer "it's bloody cold in here"

the prison officer replies " hang on i'll put another bar on for you"
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's green and smells of yellow paint?





Green paint Very Happy
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The The legend that is Ole' lady is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket.
When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says,

"Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills.

She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's ET short for?

Cos he's got little legs!

Embarassed
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Zoolander



Joined: 06 Mar 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk in to a bar.

The bar man says "hold up is this some sort of racially stereotypical joke?"
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After examining his patient, the doctor informed Mr. Jones,
"I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?"
"Well, I'd like a second opinion."
"Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin."
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Hawkeye



Joined: 18 Dec 2003
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy goes into a florist and says he wants to buy some flowers for his girlfriend.

The florist says "Certainly, sir. What exactly are you looking for?"

The guy says "A f*ck."
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2013 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?' he says.
"Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"

The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.

At the end the thrilled barman cries,
"Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "
"Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"
"Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.

The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "
"I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".

"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."

"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?"
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"
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Hawkeye



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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2013 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2013 9:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This new couple, just about to get down to business, when she says to him: "I think you should know, I used to be a hooker!"
He says "that's alright darling, I actually find that quite a turn on, tell me more about it".

She says "Well, my name was Ian and I used to play for Wigan!".


Very Happy
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

Laughing
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 3:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke walked into a pub the other day with a fried egg on his head.
"Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" asked the barman.
"Because a fucking boiled one keeps rolling off." he replied.
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Waggers



Joined: 22 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Red Hat wrote:
A bloke walked into a pub the other day with a fried egg on his head.
"Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" asked the barman.
"Because a fucking boiled one keeps rolling off." he replied.


I love that joke Laughing
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'... give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
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Red Hat



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man goes to his doctor for an eye examination. They were talking as the doctor was examining his eyes, and in the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually said, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replied, "Why doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor said, "No, but you've been upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
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